Monthly Archives: April 2014

Sex and the busy brain part 2.

Just consider how sexualised you become when you get away for a weekend. Apparently, most couples when away from the everyday pressures enjoy a much more pronounced sexual engagement when away from home.

This is partly because of greater opportunity with less mundane things to do, but also because you both can relax more having been removed from the everyday demands that shout so loudly. 

Firstly, the multi tasking voices have to be soothed. It’s no good just pretending that all is well, when you have concerns on your mind.  I’m not suggesting that you have to get everything fixed in your life before you can become “interested”, but for anxious souls this is important.

I have divided the inner voices into three categories. The outer world, the family, and the inner world.  The outer world might be unresolved issues at work, issues to do with relationships outside of the home.  Perhaps feelings of self worth to do with status or external achievements.

You might feel intensely that you deserve that promotion, but until you are recognized for being the brilliant person that you are, you can’t just have your life on hold. The family are voices to do with the neediness of your children, parents, and husband, and finally the inner voices are tied up with how you might feel about yourself, your weight, your wardrobe and general attractiveness.

Now clearly, no one can possibly get all these issues looking happy all at the same time, plus many of these areas are outside of your control.  What we are looking at here is general principles which will help to soothe the busy brain to be able to relax into sensual feelings.

Firstly, scene and the atmosphere.  Why not make your bedroom a sort of private intimate area with candles, cushions and such.

He may not even notice, but you will. This sends him a message which sounds like, “I’m preparing for intimacy”.  If you have children in the house, and you havn’t already, get a lock on your bedroom door.

Secondly, get a notebook.  Normally half the things you are retaining in your brain are things which are not creating anxiety as such, they are just draining your resources as you attempt to not forget, maybe Jimmy’s orthodontic appointment or that birthday card for your friend.  Well, just write down a list of things you are carrying round in your head, then guess what, you don’t have to carry them round anymore. This frees your brain to stop multi tasking and get focused on “other things”.

Thirdly, for anxiety producing things that you can’t do anything about, talk them over with a friend or your husband, if you are spiritual pray together. This may seem really awkward at first – but give it a try.

Often just rehearsing the issue will help you to de-escalate it from “important” to sort of “in process”. 

This is really crucial because not everything is resolvable, so you have to find a way to park the anxiety in a good well lit car park, so that you can revisit it when you are able.  Your brain will find it objectionable if you try to just forget about a problem, so parking it in an accessible place can really help.

Finally, make sure your not angry with your husband.  Your brain cannot let you become turned on with the same person that you are angry or upset with.  You have to keep short accounts.

Sex and the busy brain.

We all know that women are brilliant at multi tasking. Spinning numerous plates simultaneously. However, to engage the sexual pleasure areas in her brain she has to silence all the other voices in her head. This is a neurological fact. The part of the brain that remembers everything, the amygdala, cannot function simultaneously with the part of the brain that has to be switched on to get turned on.

Or in other words, you know the way Word and Excel can run side by side on your lap top, well when it comes to sex, you have to turn one off, to turn the other one on. They just won’t run side by side. This is seriously where so many couples mess up. If you’re a woman you cannot multi task an orgasm, honestly – you really can’t. 

The manufacturer’s of Viagra have now conceded defeat in their attempts to create a female Viagra, mainly because women’s brains are so interconnected that a single magic bullet pill cannot possibly fix everything. To fill a penis with blood is unspeakably simple compared with the complexities of helping a women to switch of life, and then to switch on to feeling sensual and well sexy.

It is true that some anti depressants can make a women more relaxed and therefore with an inhibited amygdala the scene can be set for great sex, but who wants to be on anti depressants. No one.

The truth is that men and women both want the same thing, exciting sex. For a man it’s just very basic plumbing.  For a women, it’s slightly more complex, because the female orgasm requires her to switch of her brain, or at least the part of the brain where she considers all her networks or relationships and issues.

Maybe next week I’ll post my top 3 tips for de cluttering the busy brain.

I’m not a wife beater – honest!

Phone rings; it’s a caller asking to speak to my wife who is out of the house just now.  I can tell it’s the nice lady from the hospital or such like, just by the accommodating tone of voice.  I explain that Maria is not in just at the moment.  The caller says

“it’s important please could she have Maria’s mobile number.”  I say, “well, who is it calling?” the caller says, “it’s personal”. I say, “well ok, don’t tell me what it’s about, just tell me who it is calling and I’ll give you her number, I mean are you from a BT Call centre, or maybe a market research person or maybe a caller from the hospital”. “I can’t do that It’s personal”.

This is staring to get annoying, I mean the caller clearly thinks that on the basis of a medical record she has more “personal” rights than I do, despite being married to Maria for 26 years. Why should I give a private number to a complete stranger on the basis that “it’s personal”.  I try to reason,

“Let me make this very simple; tell me that you’re not a sales person, but a caller from say the hospital or such like, and I’ll give you her number”

The caller irritated by my impudence decides I’m probably an abusive wife batterer and hangs up. The march of the individual over the couple, family, group continues on, and at the risk of becoming a grumpy old man, I find it destructively stupid.  I understand that a person’s private medical records should be private, but for goodness sake, it’s safe to say, it’s the dentist calling, or the hospital or the vet.

Next I’ll be judged as an overbearing idiot for even suggesting that I am a husband of a wife, or a father of a child, or a son of a mother.  Imagine the audacity of even suggesting that by virtue of actually taking part in voluntarily entered into marriage vows that somehow 26 years later that could mean something.  Well by law it does so why won’t a hospital caller give any recognition that in the life of my wife I mean something.

In my view the lady from the hospital should have asked me who I was in relation to my wife, “her husband” I would have said.  She could then have said, “well I can’t discuss her details, but it is the hospital calling”. Fine I would have said.  But instead we get the impression that I might as well be the window cleaner or a serial rapist.  Not funny – actually a very sad indictment on our modern individualist lives.